


Daffodils

by Holyangelheart



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Language of Flowers, M/M, Not Beta Read, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-29 07:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3887221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holyangelheart/pseuds/Holyangelheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though he faced the coldest of winters, never breaking down from the frigid temperatures, one person’s smile was enough to break him apart. Spending days and days with Gon has changed him for the better and before he knew it, romantic feelings began to form. No matter how hard he fought, he would still love him. “Please…I just want to be friends with him, I don’t care if he loves me back anymore.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daffodils

-x-x-

Clouds swirled above his head bellow the starry sky, the beautiful shades the same as roses and violets mixed into a muddy gray, covering the mesmerizing stars and the brilliant moon.

“Gon…I,” Killua found his lips moving on its own, his mind screaming for him to stop, to not utter another word. “I-I like you…” He stuttered out, his hands tightly closed in a fist by his side. He felt a bit of relief from the words evaporating into the air with a soft sigh. His little happy bubble was popped when he stared at the ground, noticing that Gon had been in front of him the whole time. His head was heavy as he slowly lifted his eyes to see Gon’s appalled hazelnut ones.

“You…You like me?” Gon inched back, his hands higher than before. He stood in a normal defensive stance, as if he was ready to run or punch at any moment.

“Wait I mean—!” Killua reached for him, hoping to shatter the illusion of this cruel nightmare, but his hand was smacked away as if he were merely a bug.

“You’ve liked me this whole time?” Gon had tears rolling down his puffed up cheeks, his eyes dark. “All those times I hugged you…” He held himself, as though the thought disgusted him to the core.

“No! I didn’t think that way—”

“I…” Gon tilted his head down, whispering something under his breath, but Killua heard it all. “I can’t look at you the same anymore.”

Killua bit his lip, “I’m still the same person Gon.”

“I’m sorry Killua, but I think I need to spend some time away from you,” Gon looked down, the words coming out of his mouth were uncharacteristic of him, but that didn’t stop his heart from bleeding.

“Do…Do you think I wanted this?!” Killua yelled as he clawed at his own chest, scarring it with red marks, deep red spreading on his skin like a web of hate. “I don’t want to feel this way— I just wanted to be your friend…I just want to be your friend!”

“Well friends don’t fall for each other Killua!” Gon stared passed him, avoiding his tear stained face. “That means you weren’t ever my friend…We were never friends to begin with!”  
His voice became deeper, his eyebrows now knitted together. “I trusted you and you lied to me!” He roared, his hand cutting the air between them in two, ripping through Killua’s heart in the process.

“I-I never lied to you! I meant everything I said—I meant it all as a friend!” He rushed to say, but Gon had already walked away. Chains now locked his feet to the cold hard ground, bound to the earth as his voice became hoarse to the point that he couldn’t utter another sound. “Gon…!”

 

\---

 

“Gon…!” Terrified eyes flashed open in a hurried search for his friend, his hand reaching towards the ceiling in a desperate need. His mind cleared as he was met with only the frigid cold and not the warmth he desired. 

He retracted his hand, pulling it back to his chest as his vision distorted again from the tears welling in his eyes. A wet substance slid down his palm, but it wasn’t from his cheeks. He lifted the tainted hand to his eyes to no avail. Instead a strong metallic scent invaded his mind, blood dripped down from the wound he gave himself in the dream. “No wonder the pain felt real,” he whispered to the darkness that surrounded him.

The rest of the home was dead silent, but outside the heavens roared along with his inner screams. Soft drops began to slide down the windows as Killua folded into himself, his hands trembling. “It’s going to be okay,” he tried to convince himself. 

Inhaling deeply, slowly, he was almost calmed down, until another broken sob ripped through him. “No…No, it’s not,” he shook his head, his lips quivering. “I don’t want these feelings anymore…” He whispered quietly, rocking himself. “I don’t want this pain anymore.” He wanted to sleep, but he was afraid that the dream would resurface, or worse…become true.

“I was happy enough just to be together…So why…” The soft sobs escaped his lips, disappearing in the dark room which he stayed in alone. “So why must I want more? Why must I be so selfish?” He asked, but no one was there to answer. The tears slipped down his cheeks slowly until it became a downpour, muffled by the thunder outside his window and the drenched pillow he clutched tightly. He stayed in a subconscious state the rest of the night, asleep but aware of his surroundings. He was too afraid to relive the pain again, too afraid for even a small glance at Gon’s enraged eyes because it would tear through his heart like a destructive tornado.

 

-x-x-

 

“Are you okay, Killua?” Gon tilted his head as he ate his breakfast that his Aunt Mito made for the two. Killua had been picking at the food the whole time and Gon was already long done with his plate.

“Huh?” Killua flinched slightly, the sound of his voice waking his mind immediately. “Yeah, Mito-san’s cooking is always great,” his lips smiled slightly, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah…” Hazelnut eyes lingered on the dark circles around his friend’s sapphire ones. “It’s delicious!”

Finally, he looked down and noticed how his plate was covered in a mess of food and hurriedly gobbled it down. He expected Gon to call him out on his obvious lie, yet it didn’t. The food was great, but it was bland on his tongue. The aroma wafting through the air wasn’t as alluring as it usually was and the lumps felt stuck in his throat. “Wow I’m so stuffed!” He exaggerated a hearty sigh and rubbed his slim stomach, an act he knew would earn a satisfied smile from Gon and his aunt.

“Good! Do you want to go outside and explore?” Gon asked excitedly until his Aunt’s presence looming above him made him change his mind, “M-Maybe we can go play upstairs first or something?” Nodding quickly, the two rushed up the stairs, afraid of her wrath.

Now that the two were alone, Gon threw a large pillow at Killua, who was too busy thinking to dodge in time. “Aha! I knew you weren’t paying attention.”

“What—?” His mouth opened wide in shock before closing in anger as he grabbed his own pillow to fight, “I was paying attention the whole time!”

“Oh, yeah then what was the color of Mito-san’s dress?” He asked and then slapped his friend when he took too long to answer. “See!”

“No! I know what it was, it was…blue!” He was too slow to dodge the swing that collided with his cheek. “Ow!

“The top half is red and her skirt is white!” Gon’s eyes softened, “If something’s wrong, you can tell me Killua.”

“I—,” His brain’s first response was to say I love you. “I’m just a little tired is all…”

“Ah! I know what you mean; the rain was pretty loud last night.” He smiled at the thought of Killua being afraid of thunder. “Want to go exploring now?”

The two glanced out the window, dark clouds had receded hours ago and the sky was clear except for the occasional bird flying across the vast blue.

They looked at each other and grinned from ear to ear, thinking the same thing. The two didn’t hesitate to run down the stairs and were out the door before Mito could stop them.

“I’m so glad that you’re here Killua!” Gon smiled as they walked side by side through the crowded forest, dodging branches and stepping over rocks.

“Why?” Killua stuffed his hands in his pockets, nails digging into his palm in an attempt to control his stirring emotions.

“I’m the only one here around my age, so it’s nice to have you as a friend!” He beamed and began to hum, ignorant of the slight blush on his friend’s cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m glad to have you as a friend too,” he said, his voice soft. The word friend gave him warmth and dread at the same time. He loved being considered his friend since Gon is his first one, but he dreamt of being something more and it scared him. His nightmare clouded his mind and he couldn’t help but shudder.

“Are you cold?” Gon asked, stopping to check Killua’s temperature. “Maybe we should have brought jackets.” He looked down at his own clothes; shorts weren’t probably the best idea to use after a shower since the trail was still a little muddy.

“I-I’m fine,” Killua moved the tan hand away, nails digging deeper in his own skin to calm his rampaging emotions. “Come on we need to have some fun before Mito-san starts worrying about us.”

“Mhm!” Gon agreed and the two practically skipped to their secret spot in the forest. When they got there, small patches of flowers were spread throughout a small part of the forest. The trees surrounded the spot, resembling guardians protecting a princess in a crowd. With grass so soft that it feels as though you’re lying down on a blanket, bathing under the bright sun.

“Ahhh~” Gon fell down, stretching his arms and legs out as far as they could go, “Oh how I miss this.”

Killua laughed at him and sat on the side, “You can come here whenever you want you know.”

“I know that!” Gon faced Killua, grinning, “But it’s our special place!”

His heart sang at the thought of it being just theirs, “Yeah but you don’t have to wait for me,” he laughed.

Rolling his eyes, Gon picked up one of the many flowers and rubbed his pointer finger on the smooth petals. “Hey Killua did you know that flowers have a lot of meanings?” Gon asked as he twirled the daisy between two fingers.

Killua scoffed and shook his head, “That’s stupid. Why have meaning for things that are going to die once the season passes?”

Gon huffed and threw a bunch of daisies at his face, a small pout on his lips, “It’s not stupid! Mito-san told me that people used to send messages using flowers like Morse code!”

“Really…?” Killua asked, intrigued by the mention of his favorite code. He shook all of the flowers off, “Then what do daisies mean?”

“Daisies…?” Gon picked another, “I’ll never tell.”

“Then I guess you must be lying!” He folded his arms and laughed, but was silenced once Gon leaned over and slipped the daisy behind one of his ears, a bright smile illuminating his face. He stared in awe as Gon was oblivious about the effect his touch has. 

“I think they mean Innocence and purity,” he sat back down, already done with the damage.

“Oh…” Killua looked away, his hand covering the small smile he was hiding, “I guess you’re a daisy then.”

“Heh,” Gon laughed and laid back down, watching Killua from the ground, a small smile on his face, “I think you are one too.”

He laughed a little bitterly in response, “I’m not innocent at all, plus you need to use a different flower if there are as many meanings as you say there are.”

“W-Well I couldn’t remember all of them, okay?”

“Yet you remembered the meaning of daisies?” He grinned and fell back onto the grass, using his arm to shield his eyes from the hot rays.

“I just really like daisies,” Gon giggled and the two sat in their secret spot, content in each other’s presence. “I’ll ask Mito-san for help later so I can find a flower that matches you perfectly Killua!”

Killua now folded his arms behind his head and peeked at him with one eye open, “You don’t need to Gon. I’m fine with not having a flower for me.”

“If I’m a daisy then you need to have one too!”

“Well I don’t think you’d be just a daisy though,” he shrugged.

“Oh?” Gon sat up, his eyes full of wonder. “Are you saying you’ll find a better flower than me?”

“Oh yeah I can, is that a challenge?” Killua retorted, now standing above Gon with his hands on his hips. “I bet that I could find the most amazing flower for you!”

“Hah you’re on!” The two glared at each other until their mouths twitched and their lips curled. Slowly, their gaze faltered and they began to laugh, falling onto the grass, their laughter made them unable to sit still. Their voices echoed through the forest, but they didn’t care if someone could hear. The two finally began to calm down, but giggles continued to escape their lips.

“I’m sure Mito-san has a lot of books and stuff on flowers,” Gon started, but the other just shook his head.

“I want to find it on my own,” Killua grinned. “Only then will I be happy winning.”

“You’re not going to win, I will!” Gon shoved him playfully, earning a shove himself.

“Idiot,” Killua sighed and shook his head, earning an angry finger pointed at him, which he ignored. “Shouldn’t we be leaving soon?”

Gon looked up at the sky and shook his head, “No I told Mito-san that we won’t be home until it gets dark.” The position of the sun had gradually changed and now it was setting in the west, the sky turning dark with each minute passed. 

“Won’t she get mad soon?” Killua asked again as the two only had a little light illuminating their faces.

“I want to view the stars with you tonight Killua,” Gon smiled softly, his eyes reflecting the hundreds of stars above them.

Killua looked down at their hands, only inches apart. The urge to grab Gon’s was too great, but he was scared that if he did, he would never want to let go. He settled for inching a little closer, “Yeah they look great.” As he gazed up at the vast glittering heavens, he didn’t notice how sleepy Gon was until he felt the soft tap on his shoulder, using him as a pillow. He froze, uncertainty flowing throw him. There was no way he could wake Gon up with the way his lips would curl into a smile and he’d laugh suddenly. He wanted to just stay there forever, relishing in the sensation of being depended on by the person he loved, both platonically and romantically.

In the end, he moved slowly so that Gon was now on his back. He was extra careful walking back, almost tripping a few times in the dark. However, he was able to return safely with the starry sky lighting his path.

“We’re almost there now,” he whispered. He wished that all the days in the future were as peaceful as this. But in his life, he was taught to be prepared for the worst and that included the chance of Gon finding out his feelings. He was absolutely sure that he would be rejected, but he didn’t mind rejection. He was used to the pain.

Finally, Gon’s home was seen ahead and Killua slowed down his pace, trying to relish the moment even just a second later than normal. He didn’t even have to knock on the door since Mito was peeking through the window. She let him in and followed him up the stairs and into Gon’s room.

“Oh Killua,” Mito smiled as Killua placed Gon in his bed. “Thank you for bringing him back safely.”

“It’s no problem really.” He pulled the covers onto the sleeping boy and tucked him in really tight since Gon was the type to kick them off in his sleep. “This idiot is such a handful.”

Her laugh was clear as wind chimes, “Yeah he can be, you can stay over if you want to Killua.”

Killua shook his head, “No, it’s okay,” he stretched a little and rubbed his aching shoulders. “Gon takes up the whole bed anyway,” he laughed and scratched his cheek, his tongue poking out a little.

Mito smiled at him and went into her room, “Just make sure to lock everything on your way out,” she waved him goodnight and closed the door gently.

Killua waved and then waited until he heard the shuffling of blankets and the lack of a light shining from beneath the door. “Phew,” he sighed in relief and sat on the edge of the bed. He wanted to sleep over more than anything in the world, but he couldn’t. At least not with how bad his dreams are. It would be bad if he got Gon’s blankets dirty from his dead skin and blood. “Sweet dreams Gon,” he patted the spot beside Gon’s body and smiled before walking out of the room, closing it behind him. He made sure to leave after making sure that everything is locked up before walking home. He didn’t live too far away, but he was lonely without him by his side.

 

-x-x-

 

The next day, Killua decided to do some research on flowers. He wanted to show Gon that he knew him well enough to pick out the perfect flower. What better way to hint at your undying love for someone through a code? He would prefer Morse code, but flower meanings sounded good too.

“Ah!” He exclaimed happily once he set his eyes on a pretty white flower with a lot of petals. “Gardenias…?” He read the name out slowly. The meaning literally meant something sappy and embarrassing. He decided to look for other flowers, but no matter what he saw, his mind kept on coming back to the simple flower. There were a lot of flowers that he could choose from, sunflowers being an obvious symbol for how sunny Gon’s personality is all the time, but that would be cliché. Gardenias were definitely the best answer.

Luckily, a florist was nearby and he was able to purchase the flower he wanted. It took a lot of confidence for him to finally ask for help instead of wandering around the charming shop.

That day, he was smiling from ear to ear at the thought of Gon possibly being happy at his meaningful selection. He walked over to their home and knocked on the door for once instead of announcing his presence. Hiding the flower behind his back, Killua walked up the stairs and into Gon’s room which he hid something underneath his pillow. He was too happy to let it register in his mind and just brushed the thought aside.

“Here.” Killua showed the single white flower and handed it to him, “I think you remind me of Gardenias Gon.”

“What does it mean?” His voice was full of wonder as he held it under his nose, smelling the sweet fragrance.

“They uh mean that you’re…amazing.”

“They do? Thank you!” Gon glanced away, but Killua was too focused on his features to follow his gaze.

“You’re welcome,” he laughed light, trying to hide his embarrassment and sat on the side of the bed, “Did you figure out which one you think resembles me?”

“Yeah!” Gon was grinning from ear to ear and motioned him downstairs where the flowers were standing in a vase, “When I think of you Killua, I think of daffodils!”

“Daffodils…?” Killua whispered, one meaning standing out in his mind. His heart sinking as the words left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Yeah!” Gon walked into the kitchen which was empty. He couldn’t see the darkness forming on Killua’s face and walked over to the vase and picked it up. He didn’t realize that Killua stood in the middle of the kitchen, closer to the front door, but he showed it to him in excitement.

“Look!” He held the blue vase up as it contained 5 daffodils, “They’re beginning to wilt though…”

“Wilting…?” Killua felt his anger rise. Wilted flowers mean that he was rejected. He slapped the vase away, the sound of glass shattering and water spewing everywhere was enough for him to wake up from his clouded thoughts.

“I’m sorry Gon!” Silver hair obscured his sapphire eyes as he stood with his hand full of glass, “I just remembered that I have to be somewhere else right now!”

“Killua…?” He turned away from the broken gift to see the boy already running out the door, leaving it ajar. He was frozen still, not sure what to do until his brain finally processed what happened. He chased after him, an idea of the destination already fresh in mind.

 

-x-x-

 

Running as fast he could, Killua headed into the thick woods for cover from his feelings. His legs brought him to the small clearing, his heart knowing what he wants. The sight of the daisy suddenly brought his blood to a boil instead of the usual throb of passion. He didn’t mean to slap the flowers away, his reasoning was muddled and all he felt was the raw emotion from his crush hinting that their love would never see the light of day.

He may have killed those daffodils, but he was the one in pain. “A daisy…? Me? Hah!” Killua shouted to the tree tops, his voice laced with sarcasm. “You can’t really believe that…” 

His eyes darkened and his knees were wobbly as he fell to the rocky ground. 

“Just reject me already, please,” Killua begged, his knees cut up and his hands bled. “I would rather have you rip my heart out mercilessly so I can put the pieces back together…” His nails dug into the grass, pulling the blades out one by one, the dirt flying in all directions. “Even if a piece is missing, I can’t hang onto your every word anymore.” He trampled all of the flowers in his blind and pain filled rage, finally screaming the words he had been meaning to say for a long time.

Once he finally realized his mistake, it was too late. Everything he touches turns to ruins. The patch of grass was now only a circle of dirt. All of the daisies were bent and broken by his tainted hands and the dirt under his nails proved it.

“Killua…?” Gon appeared from underneath the trees, having figured out the direction to follow. “Killua are you okay?” His mouth opened in a horrified gasp, his gaze on the mess his best friend made. Not only did he break his vase, he now also tore through his favorite place.

“Stay away from me!” He got up, trying to hide his dirty stained hands full of the pure flowers behind him, afraid of the sin he committed.

Gon was at a loss of words, “…It’s fine Killua,” his eyes were sad as he mind compared the beautiful scenery to the now ruined one. “I’m not angry at you; let me treat your wounds.” He reached for Killua’s hand, but the boy backed away.

"No! Don't touch me!" Killua shouted, his feelings pouring out at once, the dam on his emotions cracking. “I hate it when you touch me. The way you always smile with only the purest of intentions, I’m sick of it!” The words flowed out and he couldn’t stop it. His dreams haunted him so much that he decided to make it a reality. Except this time, instead of 

Gon rejecting him, he was the one instigating the pain.

“You…What are you saying?” Gon’s arms were straight on both sides, his fists tight. “Are you saying you don’t want to be friends anymore?”

“That’s not what I mean—!” Killua shouted, the tears never stopping, “I don’t know what to do anymore…”

“You can tell me Killua, that’s what friends are for,” Gon reached out towards him, feeling that no matter what he said, the thing he needed the most right now is his friendship.

“Please just tell me…” Killua felt his composure shattering, his heart made of glass, “Tell me how you really feel about me.”

“What?” Again hazelnut eyes stared back at him, but this time he didn’t look away, not like the dream.

“Tell me how you feel about me.” He gripped the daisies tightly, revealing them to Gon. The flower was covered in dirt.

“Killua you’re…” He paused, a small smile on his face as he thought about all the times they’ve been through. “You’re my most important friend.”

“We’re friends, huh?” Sapphire eyes closed before opening slowly to see Gon’s sweet eyes staring back at him, not an ounce of hatred in those hazelnut orbs. He looked down at the smashed flower and watched as it fell to the ground before Gon walked over to him, stepping on the flower in the process.

“Killua, what’s gotten into you today?” Gon asked, his hand on Killua’s shoulder, trying to comfort him.

The pure concern in his bright eyes made his heart sink deeper, “Nothing, I’m sorry for doing all of this.” He looked at the beauty he ruined because of his selfishness.

Gon shook his head, his expression lacked any hint of anger, “There’s nothing to apologize for Killua!” He smiled sadly. “Like you said, flowers die once the seasons over anyway. It will be in full bloom once spring comes.”

Even with the comforting words, Killua couldn’t bring himself to smile, but he felt that he could slowly begin to put the broken pieces together.

The two of them went their separate ways, feeling a mix of emotions boiling underneath the surface. When he got home, Killua locked himself up in his room and cried. He released all of his pain and sorrow with determination to get over his romantic love for Gon. He wanted the rejection and he received it in full force. He never thought that he could feel so much agony over the person he desired the most.

“Gon…” He whimpered into his pillows as head began to ache. Now he ruined their special place and things would never be the same again. It would take him a long time to rebuild their relationship from the ground up, but no matter how hard he tries, he will always love Gon. Maybe not as much, maybe a little more, but it didn’t matter anymore. He already got the answer he expected and now he could finally spread his wings.

If he falls in love with someone else, then so be it. But for now, he needed to accept the reality, even if it threatened to destroy his own.

 

-x-x-

 

After finally returning home, Gon sighed as he saw the broken vase on the floor. He moved to get the needed supplies and as he picked up the pieces, he drew blood at one of the sharp edges. He cursed softly to himself, but quietly cleaned up the rest. The throbbing in his finger didn’t bother him all too much.

When he was done, his aunt came down the stairs completely oblivious about what had occurred not long before.

“How was your day with Killua?” Mito asked as she walked over to the sink and began to wash the dishes, not noticing how Gon’s gaze never left the floor, searching for any missing pieces.

“It was fine,” Gon kissed her cheek, “I’m a little sleepy now, I think I might take a nap,” he tried to sound a little happier so that she wouldn’t notice the change in his mood. He didn’t wait for her response, not hearing it until he was already at the top of the stairs. 

Closing the door softly, Gon grabbed a Band-Aid from his bedside table before flopping down face first onto his bed. He grabbed the journal that was hid safely underneath his pillow, a crease forming on his forehead as he turned the page as he nurtured his small wound. He stared at the book opened before him as he sat on his bed. It was full of different pressed flowers and their many meanings that Mito recorded herself. He was hurting over the fact that Killua dug up all the grass and flowers, but he wanted to ask when Killua is ready to tell him, because that’s what friends are meant to do. At least that’s what he was told.

His eyes focused on the word Daffodil which was written in neat script, two meanings stood out to him. “The sun is always shining when I’m with you, huh?” He whispered softly. 

After a long pause of silence, he used his shirt to wipe his face quickly before he ruined the important book. The flowers might grow again in the spring, but the ache in his heart would remain. 

 

-x-x-

**Author's Note:**

> DAISY - Innocence; Loyal Love; I'll Never Tell; Purity  
> GARDENIA - You're Lovely: Secret Love  
> DAFFODIL - Regard; Unrequited Love; You're the Only One; The Sun is Always Shining When I'm with You  
> *NARCISSUS - Egotism; Formality; Stay as Sweet as You Are  
> *JONQUIL - Love Me; Affection Returned; Desire; Sympathy; Desire for Affection Returned
> 
> Normal: Not really used at all.  
> Italics: Mentioned (sorta) in the story.  
> Bold: The meanings that they wanted to say, but couldn’t.  
> *These are the other names for daffodils in some places, so although I didn’t use them, I think it’s interesting to know!  
> I don't know if I want to write more for this. I saw this doujin where Gon accepts Killua’s feelings and it reminded me of how I’ve been feeling a bit angsty…so here’s the pain you didn’t order.


End file.
